They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
