i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Randomize
