i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
