I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
