My liver just broke up with me...
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
