and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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