EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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