so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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