All I know is that if italians start TIME TRAVELLING were all in a lot of trouble paizon
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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