my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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