in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
