My liver just broke up with me...
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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