The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
