We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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