im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
