Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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