i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Randomize