I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
