my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Randomize