two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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