I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
