You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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