who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
