she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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