My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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