Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
We left an ass print on the piano.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
