News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
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