i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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