Don't make out with my wife yet
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Randomize
