...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I need a burrito and a hug.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Randomize
