im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Randomize
