you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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