you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
