I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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