Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
