just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
