I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
