Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
