What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
