it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
