My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
