I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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