he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
