there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
