We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
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