I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize