This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
