the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Randomize