I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
