I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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