The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Randomize
