alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
