highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize