We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Randomize
