Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
