Im at strip club and am horny
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
