I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
