Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
