I think scott just propositioned me for sex
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
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