Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
