Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
