He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Randomize
